Fit Tip Tuesday {No.5}

Standard

Don’t be the annoying person in the gym…below are scenarios or people you may encounter at the gym as read on AskMen.com .

The Abdominator

Usually a young male who has this odd habit of lifting up his shirt to wipe non-existent sweat away from his forehead, revealing a chiseled six pack. For some reason, this action always coincides with proximity to a young, attractive female. Since his eyes are covered by his shirt, he cannot see that she is rolling hers.  

The Hoarder

I’ve seen women do this, but it’s usually a guy thing. They’re obsessed with multiple varieties of supersets and compound sets. Such an apprach to exercise is admirable, but during busy gym times trying to carve out a fiefdom of several pieces of equipment that no one else is permitted to touch qualifies as douchbaggery. It’s annoying to see one of the few bench presses abandoned for several minutes with plates still on it, and when you finally decide to go and use it, the hoarder charges up, indignant, proclaiming, “I’m using that!”

The Barracuda

Just like a cougar — a prowler of young men — except older…and a lot hungrier!

The Fisherman

This is the guy who considers the gym to be his personal plenty of fish and hits on every person lacking a Y chromosome. He lives by the adage that it you fire off enough rounds, eventually you’ll hit something. The stench coming off him isn’t B.O.; it’s desperation.

 Herculass

She is a female version of Hercules, and she can lift more than you. She’s tough, focused and she doesn’t want to talk to any fishermen. In most cases, she doesn’t want to talk to anybody because she’s too busy kicking ass with the iron.
Try not to hurt yourself attempting to keep up with her. She is not impressed.

My fitness center, does in fact have one of these…even though we are a corporate gym!

The Earthquake

He resembles an NFL offensive lineman. Two of them. When his mother gave birth to him, her screams shattered half the windows in the hospital. He eats large farm animals whole, and his workout regimen includes shoulder pressing the leg press, plates and all.

The Lost Boy

Young, skinny, pimply and clueless as to what to do in the gym. His face betrays one of constant confusion as he inspects the equipment. The only thing he seems to know how to do well is drool while wandering around looking at Hoop Earring Girls.

Hoop Earring Girl

She’s under 25. She’s hot. She knows this. She never makes eye contact with anyone. She wears expensive and tight-fitting gym attire that show off a figure that has not yet experienced the ravages of gravity. Her hair and makeup are done to perfection. She also wears jewelry — even perfume — to the gym. She wears headphones to tune out would-be suitors. She doesn’t want to talk to you. She pretends she doesn’t see you drooling over her.

She shows up, does 15 minutes at low intensity on a stair-climber — hardly enough to break a sweat — stretches a little, then leaves. If she keeps going to the gym, eventually she will transform into Miss Mountain Lion.

Miss Mountain Lion

Also known as the cougar. These women know stuff. You can see it in their eyes. They’ll hurt you if you give them the chance, and I’m not talking about your feelings. They’re usually in really good shape, although parts of them are plastic and there has certainly been some strategic nipping and tucking going on. They often look amazing from the neck down, but the face is difficult to discern through the layers of makeup. I can envision how the next morning could be a frightening experience.
Many of them work hard with weights. They can lift as well as most men. Like I said, they’ll hurt you.
 
The Tongue Depressors
A couple joined at the hip, regularly engaging in public displays of affection between sets. A just and righteous god would cause his boner to get slammed between two 45-pound plates.
 
Again, we have a couple in particular us fitness staff like to call the “temple rubbers”. They rub eachothers temples inbetween bench pressing.
 
The Accessorizer

They’re a virtual shopping center of weightlifting equipment: belts, gloves, straps, chalk, notebooks and bottles containing a milky purple liquid. They seem incapable of working out without this cornucopia of loot that they haul from station to station.

One Size Fits Most

This is the guy who wears those super-tight Under Armour T-shirts to the gym despite sporting a belly that looks like he’s well into his third trimester. He needs a girlfriend, if for no other reason than to have someone help him with clothes shopping.

Not Quite Awake Yet

They wear pajamas to the gym. Apparently that’s a thing now.

For us this guy may also be called “slippers Nic”…wearing slippers instead of shoes, not safe and not appropriate for workouts.

Can You Hear Me Now?

The person who occasionally lifts weights in between cell phone calls. The brain tumor will get them before too long.

Again, in our fitness center these people may be mid stride on the elliptical or treadmill, answering their phones or talking while sitting on the shoulder press machine.

Altitude Sickness

The person who puts the treadmill on full incline and walks at a fast pace while hanging onto the hand rails for dear life.
Aka: Mountain-Climbing Wannabe.

This person may also be walking at full incline for 30 minutes at snail pace, 1.5-2.0 mph thinking they are actually getting a workout.

The Maggot Gagger

This is always a guy. Women can get a bit of body odor, but only a man can smell so bad that the stench could knock over the guy who cleans the bathrooms at Taco Bell and leave a bad taste in your mouth for an hour afterward. I think gyms should have a stink detector alarm and security personnel who escort such offenders off the premises in as humiliating a manner as possible. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
 
I completely disagree, women can also possess this level of stench. There was once I was instructing a spin class when this individual sat down on the bike next to mine. With tears in my eyes I led the class, and 45 minutes later I was gasping for fresh air saying I needed to go for a run on my lunch.
 
Rule to the wise, read these carefully and thoughtfully. Consider yourself in each of these situations and make a vow to never become one of these people.
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4 responses »

  1. Ooops, I just realized I’m an Abdominator. I am wiping away actual sweat though, so am I in the clear? No, probobly not b/c I do it when I know full well the guy on the treadmill next to me has been looking over. Hmmm…

    • If you’ve got it, flaunt those abs…right?! Just kidding, but sometimes as women there are some double standards that we just get away with. This might just be one of them.

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